Hemingway once said:

No man is an island, entire of itself;

Everyone is like a small piece of soil, connected to form the entire land.

In life, we exist within various relationships, building, growing, and maintaining them with one another.

Good relationships mostly rely on careful nurturing, timely support and nourishment, without excessive interference or too many demands.

Emotions are easy to encounter but hard to maintain.

To last long, one must bid farewell to the desire for control, the sense of sacrifice, and the heart of suspicion.

Only in this way can we get along well, maintaining a proper balance between closeness and distance.

Image source: Visual China

In marital relationships, let go of the desire to control.

The book "The World is Noisy, Just Be Yourself" recounts the experience of a couple:

Over a decade ago, the wife took her husband to see a psychologist because he consistently failed to cooperate with her in educating their children.

After a private conversation, the psychologist told her:

After meeting with both of you, I realized that your husband has no issues at all; it's all your fault.

Many years later, when the wife brought up this matter with her husband, she asked:

"What did that psychologist tell you back then?"

My husband replied with a smile:

What he told me is the same as what he told you.

In life, most of us naturally assume that we are right and that the other party is the one with the problem.

Always having a set of assumptions in mind about how a partner "should be," and imposing one's own thoughts and feelings, such as "I think" or "I feel," onto the other person.

Then, they confidently demand the other party to change, overlooking the other's situation and thoughts.

Psychologist Chen Haixian once posed the following question:

When we ask someone to change, what exactly are we asking for?

He analyzes: Sometimes, what we want to change is not just the other person's behavior, but also their thoughts, state, and even the person themselves.

This will further compress the space for relationships, leading to entanglement in marital relations.

Over time, this demand and obedience will become a fixed pattern.

This leads to what was once a harmonious relationship gradually becoming weary and dull, and the entire household losing its vitality.

Rather than this, it would be better to first try to adjust oneself and make appropriate "compromises."

Do not obsess over living according to someone else's standards, but instead strive for mutual understanding, use discussion to resolve differences, and employ compromise to solve conflicts.

Bert Hellinger once said:

Happy families all share one common trait: there is no one with a strong desire to control in the household.

In life, we are all independent individuals. If we constantly try to control every aspect of our interactions and manage every detail of our relationships with precision, we risk pushing those relationships into dangerous territory.

Because, emotions without any gaps can easily lose their elasticity and collapse or break.

Remember, to maintain a lasting relationship, it's essential to give each other appropriate space.

Do not interfere excessively, nor control excessively; maintain boundaries and grasp the appropriate measure.

贡嘎来松 摄

In parent-child relationships, free yourself from the sense of sacrifice.

Some time ago, during the "Wilderness Talks" program, when the topic of family of origin was discussed, Li Xueqin said:

Currently, in many Chinese families, the sense of sacrifice in parent-child relationships is particularly strong.

The most basic includes, you eat this rib, and I'll suck on the bone.

I'll give you the best part of the fish, and I'll eat the tail with more bones.

But, since this fish is obviously very big, why must you choose the less desirable part and repeatedly emphasize your 'sacrifice'?

Because of this, after Li Xueqin grew up, she reached a consensus with her mother:

We should all live our own lives well, and not sacrifice our own lives first in order to make the other person's life better.

I couldn't agree more.

At a certain age, one may notice that many parents around them particularly enjoy creating an atmosphere of "sense of sacrifice."

Once, I ran into my friend Xiaohui at the café downstairs.

Due to the issue of childcare, she felt overwhelmed by her mother's "sacrifices."

It turns out that Xiaohui's mother wakes up every morning and spends an extra hour preparing breakfast, but in reality, half an hour would suffice.

The elderly often mention "loneliness," frequently saying things like, "I left my old friends and separated from my spouse to help take care of your child," or "I've contributed both effort and money to make this family better."

Every time there is a disagreement, Xiaohui feels very guilty.

Mom has already given so much, it would be too ungrateful to still have complaints.

As time went on, Xiao Hui's emotions were on the verge of collapse.

The educator Makarenko once said:

Everything is for the child, sacrificing everything for him, even one's own happiness.

"To burden him with all of this is the most terrifying gift parents could give to their child."

Many times, children are grateful for the help and support from their parents.

However, when this "selflessness" turns into sacrifice, it becomes too burdensome.

Instead, it has become a constraint and pressure, making the relationship between parents and children increasingly tense and distant.

Because it has transformed into another form of "expectation," hoping that the recipient can see one's giving and provide feedback and reciprocation.

Upon seeing a sentence:

The hallmark of mature love is understanding the necessity of maintaining an appropriate distance between individuals.

Remember, if you want to maintain a natural and lasting relationship, do not overly emphasize your own contributions.

Moistening things silently, only then can we be equal and free, with respect in our hearts.

孙华金 摄

In friendships, eliminate the habit of suspicion.

My father once told me stories about his childhood friends:

A few years ago, Uncle Zheng bought a new house and was preparing to decorate it, so he sought help from Uncle Li, who runs a tile shop in the building materials market.

Uncle Li said to just pick any one I like, and once I've made my choice, he'll have it delivered directly to my home.

Later, because some parts were missing for the cabinet installation, Uncle Zheng went to the market to buy them.

Coincidentally, I saw the exact style I had chosen in another tile store.

Upon inquiring about the price, each piece was found to be cheaper than Uncle Zheng's by a certain amount, resulting in a total difference of nearly a thousand yuan.

Uncle Zheng angrily complained to his wife:

You say Old Li is too inconsiderate. With our decades-long friendship, does he really have to make a few thousand bucks off me?

"This person is impossible to deal with!"

Later, when Uncle Zheng moved, Uncle Li specially brought fine wine to celebrate. Unexpectedly, Uncle Zheng directly pushed him out.

I can't afford to be friends with you. Take your wine and go find someone else to drink with!

Uncle Li was puzzled, but Uncle Zheng's attitude made him extremely uncomfortable.

Thus, decades of old friendship fell apart over a single tile.

However, the reality is that Uncle Li indeed did not earn a single penny.

The tiles that Uncle Zheng saw were only the same in style as the ones he had chosen, but the origin and materials were completely different.

His misunderstanding of Uncle Li stemmed solely from his own suspicions, without any basis.

In reality, this phenomenon of judging others' behaviors based on one's own thoughts is what is referred to as the "projection effect" in psychology.

Once trapped in such a predicament, it becomes habitual, making it increasingly difficult to trust others.

I once came across this saying:

Whether it's family or friends, having trust brings the relationship closer.

Without trust, no matter how strong the feelings or how close the relationship, it can only last for a while, not a lifetime.

Emotions between people cannot withstand speculation and suspicion.

Like a nail driven into a board, even if pulled out, the hole remains.

Such harm may be reconciled over time, but it can never return to what it was before.

Yu Qiuyu once said:

A long-lasting friend is not a temporary playmate, nor a mere connection; it exists not for any utilitarian reason.

Remember, to maintain a long-term relationship, it is essential to give the other person full trust.

Do not doubt, do not be suspicious, manage well, cherish well.

▽

The writer Su Qin said:

At this age, I no longer wish to please anyone.

"Be with whoever makes you feel comfortable."

As one approaches middle age, happiness becomes elusive, and finding someone with whom one can be comfortable and at ease is even rarer.

Whether it's parents, lovers, children, or friends, it's important to maintain an appropriate distance when interacting with them.

Do not attempt to control, nor deliberately "sacrifice," be independent of each other, and trust one another.

Original Title: "The Deterioration of All Relationships Begins with These Three Words"

Source: You Shu

Editor: Ding Baoxiu

Proofreading: Wei Yuan

Editor: Song Fangcan

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